Documenting Moods

Documenting my moods. It's something I should have been keeping track of already given my mental history as is coupled with medication trials and withdrawals.

I've been on Clonazepam and Citalopram for about 3 years now with a 7-month hiatus at January 2008 which didn't end well (initial registered physical symptoms leading to generalized exhaustion and later faintness - examined by MayoClinic with no medical cause and prescription to go back on my pharmaceuticals.) Cit was at 40mg and Clon at 1mg both taken at night along with Yasmin before sleep.

It's been about 5 weeks off both of the psychical pharms and initial physical symptoms (sleep disturbance, nausea, feeling flu-ish) subsided within a week. It's become clear that mood swings are present and they're somewhat alarming in their rapidity and cyclical ranges. I wouldn't be inclined to notice it as much but I'm living with my boyfriend who is experiencing it all first-hand almost 24 hours a day. Cycles last about 2 to 3 days with normal/happy moods swifly descended into sad/mean/upset spirals at any given spark. The upswing is precipitated by sobbing which physically exhausts me and releases the tension I feel. It's not clear right now if I naturally tend towards a brighter mood without it - only fledgling upturns but not a full "recovery" until total blowout and physical release of my mood.

The most recent episode of downtime was sparked by a legitimate concern/annoyance but the effects of it lasted an irrational amount of time and the feeling of tension and mood depression last with me ("envelop my being") for an inordinate length preceding any given spark. This time I spiraled into a feeling of sadness which morphed into meanness when provoked to speak about it or confronted to resolve it. Argumentative and mean, I spew words that I don't even believe in just for the sake of arguing. Most bizarre for me is how I swear when I'm in these extreme mean spells - something completely unlike me and even at time of vocalization it's an awkward thing to be saying but it's like I can't help it. The most recent spark concerned me feeling unwanted and that my boyfriend is not physically attracted to me. There was a small incident potentially suggesting this, but I did take it as a sign of reality that I could not view other to the way I was seeing it/feeling it. Eventually after sadness came the meanness which led to a breakdown and I sobbed until I couldn't breathe. Felt like being overwhelmed. I was both embarassed and in a way scared that I can be so emotionally volatile - it's really frustrating when I get into my meanness phase where I can't control what I'm saying and don't actually believe the arguments I'm saying. I guess that's irrationality? Crying wears me out physically and releases the tension in my body. I feel a certain calm after the storm where I'm physically and emotionally drained (I couldn't possibly even wager anything mean given my exhaustion at this point). Embarassment about precedings naturally adds to the sobreness and quietness I feel after I cry but it's not an all-encompassing sort of embarassment (maybe thanks to the extreme support from my boyfriend about this all) and I quickly return to being pleasant company albeit slightly tired.

June 27 - 28 was a down mood with a glimmer of repair morning of 28th that quickly spiralled back down into dolldrums.
June 28 (evening) extreme cry-out and return to pleasant self.

I feel kind of incoherent at the moment so I'm going to continue this later.

So I'm not on a wild adventure and I'm not overcoming a life hurdle. I'm not undertaking a massive great feat nor am I suffering any great tragedy. I am not training for a marathon and I am not surviving a kidnapping. I have no thing, no story, no "it" molding my life. There is no big ball of dreams or hopes or events in the future and there's no wad of tragedies or life-altering kinks in my past. I move linearly and I move only because time pushes me.

I generally don't take for granted the things I have and the opportunities I have had and the relative luxury that is my life on this planet. I understand with sincere gravity and appreciation that my life could be worse, that there are many people with lives that are twisted and pock marked and burned and tangled so badly that they claw to sever the past and scramble to dodge the scars and knots in the future.

My string is smooth. But my string is black.

Testing

testing testing testing.

yo.